Back to blogging - Embarrassed

Well, I decided to get back at blogging.  It was good for me once, it can help me through this one.  Yes, you will see that I have removed several of my last posts regarding the guy I was 'seeing' or 'dating'.  I'm such a goobber!  I want to trust people so much.  This makes me an easy target.  Yes, I gave him money.  It was way stupid.  Yes, I knew better.  Yes, it hurts.  Yes, I've filed a complaint/claim with Western Union, Internet Fraud, Attorney General's Office, and the Local police.  It can't hurt, I guess.  I doubt I will see a dime returned to me, but at least I have logged the complaints.

He had me talked into the fact he was going to pay me back by tomorrow (Friday).  He hasn't made any updates to me today, as he promised.  He was supposed to get payment from his contract and purchase a plane ticket 'home' to Arizona.  United Kingdom is probably his 'home'.  I didn't trust my own research.  A friend told me "Carol, you of all people...you are so detailed...of course your research is good".

I'm not going into the pit of depression again, which is a first for me.  But, this weekend is going to be tough, as I had planned on spending it with this guy.  Yes, I'm coming to the realization that it was a lie and I was so gullible.  I am taking some money off of my retirement account to pay off the amount that I put on my credit card.  Yes, it was a substantial amount of money.  This guy was definitely a professional and knew how to push buttons.  I had suspicions.  I'm not sure why I rationalized them away.  I even did it to my friends, when they tried to help me.

I am so ashamed and embarrassed.  I'm glad I shared it with a few people.  However, I have regrets about sharing it.  It hurts and I feel like they think less of me.  I just want someone to love me and take care of me, for a change.  But, I'm too tall, too intelligent, and too plump for guys to take a 2nd look...let alone a first look.  It felt so good to be talked to that way and be told I am beautiful by a handsome man.  It was so stupid.  I feel so alone.

Oh, this weekend is going to be tough.  I spent the day telecommuting and just want out of this place.  But, obviously, the finances are tight now.  Friends in Salt Lake City have always had the door open for me to visit.

I've spent 2 to 8 hours every night talking with this guy via chat.  I will miss him.  But, I realize every word said was a lie.  The 'relationship' wasn't real.  I even told Gary, Dylan, and Andrew...oh and mom...I was seeing someone.  What an embarrassment!  I just want to hide...move....restart my life.

Long story, but I even rationalized that I needed more chairs for my dining room table, due to the extra people in the bigger house.  Gary bought the dining set off of me.  He talked me down to a low price.  I tried to tell him that I didn't want to sell it now.  He got all weird on me and said that it was tough for him to tell Jeanie.  So, I said fine.  I will take the dollars he gives me and get a new set.  It is the one grouping of furniture that is bugging me...memories of sitting around it for meals as a family and playing games.  Everything else, even the master bedroom set, don't bother me.

What an idiot!  Well guys, don't laugh at the victims on those shows on TV.  It is possible to be talked into almost anything.