Stress was the topic of our study tonight. The stress of divorce is just so huge. It is almost worse than death of a spouse, in some ways, as you have to deal with the destruction of a marriage and a family. The statement was made that some can handle different kinds of stress, similar to if you like roller coasters or not. Also, there is a difference from a roller coaster with light or in complete darkness. On roller coaster, you can see what is about to happen, for the most part. In complete darkness, you don't know when it is going to dip, turn, climb, etc. I didn't see this coming and I still had to deal with it. This blog, venting my thoughts, Christ, and my friends (not always in any particular order) have carried me through this. Gary is in such a foreign place. He remembers our life together so differently and I have no clue where he is getting his memories. He says he was controlled. He wanted to leave Des Moines to head to Kansas City. We both lost our jobs (8 months of no employment) and he got a job in Arizona (which didn't materialize). He wanted this, that, and the other thing and I made the finances (sort of) work to get things accomplished. We ended up losing two houses and being in really deep debt. But, he got the toys he wanted....I enjoyed them too. He says that our entire (not just the last few years now) was a waste of time. The words are so hurtful. He has created this alternate reality and is starting to believe the lies he is telling. The friends he now surrounds himself with have never met me. He can tell his counselor anything and he believes him, because the counselor hasn't met me. Being judged for something you are not allowed to defend is so hard. I want to stand up for myself. But, they don't want to challenge Gary's statements.
Gary told me that the first two wives both accused him of adultery. Funny how it actually happened to me. I believed what he told me about the previous marriages (1st one was 1 year, 2nd one was 6 months - took longer to divorce than the marriage lasted). One was also named Carol. I do feel scared for Jeanie, becoming wife #4. I wonder what will happen when he wants a different reality again.
I need to leave Gary at the foot of the cross....pray for him. I need to let go and just focus on the boys. I need to not feel sorry for myself. I hide behind humor and try and move forward. Some days are better than others. Work is crazy, in a good way. I'm so grateful that I can put in only 40 hours and not feel like I am cheating anyone. The first time in my career. I have previously averaged 60-70 hours a week.
Dylan opened the door for me of the truck for me to drive home tonight. He also waited for me to be ready to shut the door for me. I need to work on his foundation for his future spouse. I pray for both of my boys' spouses (as soon as Andrew divorces his current wife that he is separated from).
Please pray for Andrew. He is not going to get the counter intelligence position like he had hoped. He is going for ammo tech for the jets / cobras. He should know by the end of February if he is accepted. If not, well, we'll have to take that when it comes. If he does get it, he will not get the huge sign-on bonus, for some reason. He is trying to get his current wife to sign the divorce papers. It is just that she gets free medical and dental right now, being married to him. We need to get this finalized. If the marriage lasts 5 years, she will have rights to his pension / retirement benefits.
I was thinking about seeking employment away from Phoenix and maybe in a different state. A friend was very wise and said that if I leave, Dylan may resent me for taking him away from his dad. If I stay, Gary will damage his own relationship with Dylan, if he continues the way he has been going. Last weekend, Dylan said that dad snuggles up with Jeanie and leaves him at the other end of the couch. He thought that this was his time and not more Jeanie time. He feels like a 5th wheel. Poor guy! Gary didn't even notice the piece of paper in his backpack Wednesday night that announced that Dylan got student of the month. I found it within 15 minutes of Dylan being home. Gary has to be out of town, for some reason, and won't be around for the ceremony at school. It isn't convenient for his schedule.
Thanks for your time to read. Hugs!
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