Falling out of Love

Hallmark (and others) do a wonderful job at teaching us that love is a feeling. It is a commitment / covenant. Wedding vows include "in sickness and in health...for richer and for poorer...". You have to work at love and a marriage. You must invest in it or it will die.

Gary and I were not investing in our marriage. Recently, we were roommates pooling our resources to enjoy life. It wasn't always like that. I believe it can be again.

Gary has stated he has fallen out of love with me. He has to decided what he wants to do with our relationship. At this point, I am not allowed any input into this decision.

I have waves of emotions and a roller coaster ride of ranges of these emotions. I'm angry, sad, frustrated, confused, and concerned. He says I am too emotional.

It is hard not to beat up on myself and look for the problems within me. But, this is a struggle within Gary and he is seeking excuses. I'm not innocent. I didn't work on the marriage, like I should have. We got comfortable and almost lazy. I continue to keep Gary in my prayers (Dylan does too, every night) for the Lord to remove the scales from his eyes, the demons from his body, and to enrich his soul and love for Him. If this allows Gary and I to reconcile, even the better.

There has been many levels of trust and respect that have been broken. It will take time to reconcile. I'll admit, I have feelings/thoughts of doubt that I want to reconcile. But, it is a commitment / covenant and I will honor that. Gary and I have had some incredible times in prayer, vacations, lives of our sons, etc. We can do that again.

I bet if you inquire with an older couple who have been married for several years, they will admit that there were times they wanted to throw in the towel. But, they fought for each other and made it through. Our culture / society has allowed divorce to be too acceptable. "Falling out of love" as the reason for divorce is a cop out to not working at the marriage (ie: laziness).

Gary says he doesn't despise me nor hate me. The only love he has for me is that I am the mother of his children.

I do miss him. I miss our talks from years ago. I really believe he will be restored and we can reconcile. I know it will take time and patience on my part.

In the mean time, I have to establish boundaries for myself and Dylan. Gary wants us to work on a friendship that will be how we handle our relationship if there is a divorce. I am not negotiating terms of divorce while he is still considering what to do with our relationship. Honestly, I don't know if I can have a 'friendship' with him, if there is divorce. When friend turns his/her back on you, it is hard to say 'we can still be friends'. It will not be a close friendship and maybe no friendship at all.

Well, for now, I am a single mom....again.