Schedule

Well, I'm a bit scared. It is walking that fine line between establishing boundaries (not being a doormat) and not pushing someone away. Gary had Dylan for 8 nights last month. It needs to be more equal, otherwise he is having it pretty easy after walking away from me and Dylan. I submitted a proposed schedule to him that will double his time with Dylan this month. It is a challenge with work, but I have a job too. I can do it, I've done it in the past, by myself. However, that isn't the point. Gary is still a dad. He says he didn't abandon us. Well, he hasn't done an equal share, all the way around either.

I'm trying to control the anger. I do have a right to be angry. But, I want to keep it within control. I really pray for a reconciliation. I want to work through this. I just wish I knew what 'this' was. I feel hurt, not trusted, worthless, ugly. I'm tired of crying. I cry for so many emotions (anger, sadness, confusion, depression, stress, etc.).

The hives are back today. I hope that creating the schedule was something placed on my heart by God, and not my fingers getting in the way of His will and perfect timing. I sent e-mails to Gary about Dylan's day at camp. I didn't get any response. I'm assuming he is upset. Which may be fine, but I didn't intend him to be upset. I wanted him to realize what he was doing to us. Yep, my fingers, aren't they Lord. I'm sorry.

Father, please wrap me in your arms. I know you will accept me the way I am. I know you don't make junk, but I feel like it right now. Please guide me in making the best decisions to protect Dylan. Grant me comfort and peace to wait for more information on what is going on with Gary. Help Gary understand that I am reaching others to pray for us, not to gossip about us. Those that are praying for us, please help them understand the power of prayer that you have given us. Please don't turn the prayer chain into a gossip circle. I need prayer warriors right now, for me, Dylan, Andrew, and Gary.