Gary, my wonderful husband of 12 years (so far), has moved out. He wanted a separation for an unknown period of time. He says he is struggling inside and needs to be away. His pat answer to almost all questions over the last couple of months has been "I don't know".
From what I can tell, it is a spiritual battle / warfare.
We've been active in our church, but have recently backed off. Humans are fallible. God is not. Deep in my heart, I know that the 'infractions' were not intentional, but hit us as if they were. They were actions that we felt were unbecoming of a Christian, especially coming from those that held 'positions' within the church. This, I believe, encouraged Satan to step in and start working on both Gary and I, unfortunately,
Dylan and I started going to another church, close to our house. But, Gary didn't want to go to any church. I didn't nag, but tried to encourage him to go with us, to no avail.
Questions:
- Why us?
- Why take us to a place we promised would not happen to us?
- Why remove yourself from the people who love you the most when you are hurting? Would you leave if you had a terminal cancer? No, you would want support. Ok, maybe it makes sense to go off and struggle with the demons and/or find the realization or enlightenment you seek. Jesus and his 40 days in the desert, which ended with 3 large temptations from Satan...come to mind. Maybe there is some sanity in this move to leave.
After Gary told me (May 30), he moved into the spare bedroom. He told me that it was inside him. He has sworn to me there is no one else. He told me it wasn't about me. I struggled with it and wondered what I did wrong. I slept maybe 3-4 hours that night. May 31 wasn't much better. There was tension but no exchange of harsh words. We interacted with Dylan (8 yr old as of this coming June 11) in the pool and even played Wii together...all 3 of us. Weird...awkward...confusing!
It was hard working today. One girlfriend reached out to me last Friday, as we hadn't been to Small Group and she noticed. Bless you! She got me to open up a bit, even though my dad always told me, keep your private things private. HA! I'm writing a blog now. Sorry dad. I mean well. Her husband is supportive too. After Gary told me on Sunday, I reached out to her (Ernestina) and to Vicki, as Vicki and her husband had gone through something that seemed somewhat similar to what I was starting to experience. I knew I needed strong prayer warriors. Boy, did I get two couples that are incredible! I continue to feel the result of their prayers. Of course, they encouraged me to allow them to activate the prayer chain within the two Small Groups. They did so anonymously, for now. Gary hasn't shared this with anyone, so he tells me. But I knew we needed prayer coverage. I meant to disrespect to others in the Small Group, but I wanted to make sure Gary had the time to not be distracted. He wants to get away. I'll give him that space.
It was tough telling Dylan. I'm left with the pieces tonight from both myself and Dylan. Gary is supposed to call our older son and tell him. I hope he does. I will know when that happens, as Andrew will call me. He is a Marine...yes, nice age spread there!
Spiritual warfare is something to take very seriously. I wish Gary had taken his Bible and journal. I cried when I saw it still in the house tonight. I go through phases of emotions (love, sadness, anger, pity, low self worth, the list is pretty long).
Vicki says for every tear shed, is a jewel in my crown in heaven. I want to go to heaven, but don't need a crown, let alone any jewels. I know she means well...that we will have some pretty shiny crowns. I love Gary so much and so deeply. He is the love of my life. I completely believe in the covenant of marriage. A covenant is not broken.
Patience. I guess that is where I am now. God gets a kick out of teaching me this, as I have a problem learning it. I like to be the driver vs the passenger. This will come in HIS time and in HIS way.
Facebook. I deactivated my Facebook account May 30 shortly after Gary told me he was leaving. It is a great application, but I couldn't control my usage. So, I went cold-turkey. It may be a social network application. But, it connects you with people that are not under your roof. If you manage, maintain, and invest in the relationships that are under your roof, then you can possibly 'reconnect' with others from your past. I got into the games (Farkle, Farmville, FarmTown, Kingdoms of Camelot, Mafia Wars) and couldn't stop...hours were spent / wasted vs in HIS word.
Monday I felt the prayers of the prayer army that has been commissioned. The strength and peace are both comforting and weird. I shouldn't feel this peaceful...I think. I pray that Gary is given the right people, led by the Spirit to win this spiritual conflict that is going on inside of him. I pray that I take the time to get back into the Word daily to be ready for Gary to come home. Yes, divorce is a possibility, but not from my side. I am praying him home, on God's time.
Vicki says 'God WINS'. He always does. It may not be my solution nor my timing. I have to keep my fingers out of his plans.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for these couples to come along side Gary and me to help us. Gary doesn't know, I don't think, that there is an army of prayer warriors on their knees for us. The ones we were considering about turning our backs on. Bless this army.
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