Marriage Partnership

I am dealing with anger this morning and am asking for forgiveness. I really need to put this down. So, please bare with me.

In marriage, especially with children involved, the fairness of a spouse to leave is so unequal. One gets the freedom (and loneliness)of single-hood, if I may: 100% complete freedom of schedule and ability to do whatever they want whenever they want - bike, walk (with or without a dog), exercise, hobbies, hike, movies, reading, sleeping, waking, etc. The other has doubled their duties and still gets loneliness with extremely reduced to almost non-existent freedom.

In marriage, it is a partnership. Each brings their strengths (and weaknesses) to the partnership. The professional roles that are shared (some equally, some unequally) can be listed as: house-keeper, gardener / landscaper, pool / spa service, handyman, chef, maid, butler, personal assistant, nanny, counselor, and chauffeur (to name a few). I am by no means a person of considerable wealth to have these employed for my service. Granted, the additional household will need to have most of these as well, when a spouse leaves another. However, the one who did not know the separation is coming, is left with the proverbial bag.

I love my 2 boys (Andrew - coming up on his 22nd birthday / Dylan - just celebrating his 8th). I've had the responsibility (and privilege) to be a mother - from infant through primary educational years - for 22 years now. I have 10 more left. 12 of those have been with a partner to assist with the list previously mentioned. For the immediate time, I do not have the luxury of the freedoms previously mentioned that are granted to my spouse at this moment of indecision, of which he needs 'time' to figure things out with what is going to happen with our marriage.

The spouse that has left gets visitation. One way to define this: the time CHOSEN to be a parent. This can be 0 days one particular week and 4 days the next, turning the frequency up or down at will. Right now there is no concrete schedule, but flexibility. In fact, only 1 evening (tonight) is scheduled in the future. I am also holding the bag of having to answer the question of my son "when will I see Daddy again?".

I am, obviously, feeling the additional stress of added responsibility and obligations. I am also very aware of the privilege and gift of motherhood. I have a brother and sister-in-law who have remained childless. My heart aches for them, as they are very loving and caring individuals. I (and Gary) have gone through infertility (1.5 years) to conceive Dylan (thank you, Dear Lord, for the blessing). So, please don't take this as me whining. I'm openly admitting to the anger and unfairness, but also realize the huge gift of motherhood (and fatherhood).

With this experience, I know of two (correction, 3) other marriages that are strained. I pray for them, passionately, as to spare their futures of the pain of separation. In all 3, there are primary educational level and younger children involved/impacted. They have requested to remain unanimous.

We get caught up in quarrellings over the little / small stuff. We need to step back and realize the partnership and appreciate the other's efforts that are brought to that partnership. In marriage, you are in the business of family and partnership. Just like running a business / corporation, it takes time, talent, and resources. The business doesn't just happen. There is an investment to make things successful, or it fails. The same can be said of a marriage. The benefits present themselves very differently: life-long love, children (hopefully), laughter, memories, tears, physical touch, joy, and sadness to name a few. Some of these may seem negative at first, but you need them in order to appreciate the positives and to grow stronger. The other thing you are allowed to do is leave a legacy. This can happen with or without children, in the actions and imprint you leave on the people around you and the world.

Spouses: start and continue the simple first step of praying together and for each other. Don't engage in a conversation (or potential argument) about when you are going to start. Tonight, when you go to bed, grasp your spouse's hand and pray, out loud. Don't expect your husband/wife to reciprocate immediately. Actions speak much louder than words. Don't pray for God to fix the other person. Pray for God to move in you to understand, accept, and work with the position of the other. Pray for him/her to be encouraged and lifted up. Pray for God to move in your life to change. (You can't change anyone, but you can change how you react to that 'difficult' person - spouse, co-worker, friend, acquaintance, etc.). There is no other feeling / power, with maybe the exception of child-birth, than that of a husband and wife praying together for their marriage and children. Let it bind the marriage and create a foundation for it to handle any storm. Build the marriage / commitment on rock, not on sinking sand.

Spouses: 2nd step? Well, step back. Remember when you were dating your spouse. You thought those little quirks of theirs were so 'cute'. I will bet those same quirks are the things that are driving you nuts. Am I right? Yep! Celebrate our differences. Find the Love Language of the other. Our negative buckets are overflowing. Invest in the time to fill your spouse's positive bucket and what the reward to come. Continue to pray for them (encouragement and to be lifted up - NOT to change) and yourself (to change and understand).

If you have read this far, thank you for your precious time.

Dear Lord, please work in the strained marriages that are so rampantly being attacked by Satan. Defend the ground that is Yours. Strength these relationships and allow the individuals to put down their weapons of words and turn them into compassionate words of encouragement, understanding, support, and love. I pray for the counselor You have already chosen to work with Gary (of which he will seek soon). Reduce their personal and professional stress so that they are strengthened to hear and work with Gary through this difficult time. If it is Your will, Lord, allow the counselor to be a believer, even if they don't professionally advertise as such. Your plan, Your time, You win, God!